1st post

You know what the worst part of keeping my mouth shut is? Nobody thanks me for it. My friends go out and buy me a cake for my birthday. Guess what? I don't like cake. Obviously those that ever knew about it forgot, and it's not anyone's fault. It just sucks that I smiled, thanked them for it (and I really was grateful, I didn't really expect them to do anything, it was cool that they care that much about me) and even forced most of a slice down. All the while carefully avoiding letting them know that pie is, well, 3.14...^(lim x->0+ (1/x)) times better than cake. Luckily I managed to avoid being given the leftovers. The problem is, nobody was able to appreciate the silence I kept so that they wouldn't feel bad about getting me a cake that I don't like.

Yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to do these things for others' approval. And I don't, not really. If I didn't actually care about not hurting their feelings, I would have told them I don't like cake. But it's stupid to say that knowing I did the right thing should be enough. The point is, most of the good deeds we do are defined by a distinct lack of bad deeds. But those good deeds never go rewarded properly, because to inform the recipient of them will effectively negate the ...effect. Also, I hate it when my vocabulary fails me.

Sometimes I wish I'd never made friends. Or at least only the "sort of" friends I used to have, people I really just hung around with because the alternatives were boring. But now staying at home, doing hermit-like things, isn't enough. I've become a people-junkie. I need some sort of interaction every now and then. But when I do, I feel fake. I don't have enough practice, and I can't tell if my friends actually think I'm funny, smart, or whatever I'm being at the moment, or if they merely tolerate my idiosyncrasies. Or idiocracies, it doesn't really matter which. I can't tell which is better, being the centre of attention, or quietly observing from the sidelines, so I alternate between the two. With one, I feel like a jackass, with the other, I'm too much of a loner, and my need for a fix isn't satisfied.

hunh. This pouring out my thoughts and feelings to potentially everyone on Earth wasn't as soothing as I'd been led to believe. I guess I'll have to go off myself after all.

Anarchronism