Do you ever wonder if you actually care about anybody? I do. How do you know when you love somebody, like your parents or siblings or friends. The only reason I have to suspect that I actually care about them is that I don't like the thought of one of them dying, and that's only because I don't like how that would affect the others.

Maybe that's a good thing. I've always thought that most ways of showing you care for other people is really just people being selfish. Think about it, how many times in fiction have you seen someone's grief over losing one of their "loved ones" being expressed by them saying something like "I don't want to lose you."? I know fiction isn't necessarily like real life, but I don't have very much personal experience with that sort of thing, so this is pretty much all I have to go with.

So which is worse? Not really caring if someone leaves, or caring but expressing that concern in a selfish way? Does the latter really just mean you only care about how they affect you? Whenever I see or read about this I'm struck by the dissonance between what love is supposed to be as opposed to how it's represented. Doesn't caring about someone mean caring about them, as opposed to how they affect your life?

I don't know, and I'm pretty sure I'm rambling again. When it's not being graded I don't stick to a topic very well. In that spirit, lets move on to another topic altogether!

I don't understand why people talk to each other about things. Well, I suppose more accurate is that I don't know if they actually do. I don't mean general, everyday conversations obviously, I mean those "deep" talks about love and friendship and such. I hate those talks, mostly because I don't think I'm very good at them.

If I'm the one talking, it feels like I'm being a whiny bitch, and frankly, I doubt it would do any good anyways. If I'm on the receiving end, I don't know what to say, mainly because I don't really care about what they're talking about.

I know, I'm a bastard, eh? But it's true, even if I do care about the person (although that's still in doubt, as discussed above), I usually don't care about what they're talking about, mainly because I usually feel like I wouldn't be reacting in the same way, I wouldn't need help, so why should they? I don't necessarily think I'm stronger than them, I just think that they don't react to things in the best way. Needless to say, I don't have many of these conversations. Also, I don't have a whole lot of drama in my life, so maybe I'm just an ignorant ass who doesn't know what he's talking about. That's ok, since I don't think anyone's actually reading this, and even if they do, I don't particularly care what they might think.

My dad has told be, several times now, that I should find someone to talk to about my feelings. I suppose, in a way, that is what this is for. I guess it's rather cowardly, going on about this stuff if I don't even know if someone will read it or not, but I don't really want to talk about this in real life to someone. I'm just not that kind of guy.

Although I sort of wish it would happen. Do you ever get these urges to be an asshole, just so someone will call you on it so you can finally vent? I do, although so far I've only tried it once. It didn't really work, either I have far better friends than I deserve, or they're just as cowardly as me. Maybe both, or neither. Although I learned afterwards that I might have gotten the results I wanted if I did something differently. Oh well, it probably only would have resulted in physical pain for me.

It does kind of annoy me that no one really tries to dig deeper into my mind though. I'm an attention whore, I guess. Some people do try, it's just that even when my wish is being fulfilled, I'm still evasive and dismissive, so either they don't try hard enough, or I'm just really good at not talking about my feelings. Does this mean that no one really cares about me? Maybe. I suppose I might deserve it, considering I don't know if I would care if that were true.

Ah well, I guess that's enough of me whining for the faceless lack-of-masses.

-Anarchronism